Eat, Drink, and Be Wary

Results of a Harvard study published this week show that low-gluten diets are of no discernible benefit to the ninety-nine percent of the population for whom they are not physician-prescribed, and are linked to an increased risk of diabetes. (Take that, Whole Foods!) We’ve also learned of late that chocolate and alcoholic beverages are good for your heart, and that drinking coffee all day and into the night can increase your life expectancy. Encouraged by these results, we sent our crack investigative reporter on a mission to uncover other surprises about how food may affect our well-being. Here’s what we found:

Dinosaur bones are loaded with Omega-3 fatty acids!

Yes, it’s true. No more smelly fish oil supplements. Plus, one thigh bone from a Tyrannosaurus Rex can supply the recommended daily allowance of Omega-3s to an entire family of four for up to eight years. That’s up to twelve years for a family of three! Order yours now from www.jurassicsupplements.com.

Bananas are nature’s miracle!

Once touted as a middling source of potassium (French fries have more), we now know that bananas can promote weight gain in malnourished children and patients recovering from bariactric surgery when served in combination with ice cream, assorted toppings, nuts, whipped cream, and maraschino cherries.

Broccoli can kill you!

Stanley Finkelstein, a bricklayer from Paterson, NJ, recently choked on a broccoli floweret while enjoying his Porterhouse steak dinner at Hymie’s Kosher Chop House in nearby Paramus. Mr. Finkelstein owes his life to Mrs. Goldie Leibowitz, a middle school librarian, who happened to be dining in the adjoining booth and had learned the Heimlich maneuver just hours earlier at a first-aid demonstration at Temple Beth Sholom. Following the traumatic ordeal, Mr. Finkelstain said, “I’m pretty sure it was the broccoli. Although it could have been a piece of meat.”

The Mediterranean Diet Is a Sham!

If you don’t believe it, check out these guys from Naples.

Palm Oil a Hit with Healthy Adolescent Males!

Sales of Jergens Lotion and Vaseline Intensive Care are said to have plummeted after the benefits of palm oil were extolled in feature articles appearing recently in Healthy Living, Men’s Fitness, and Juggs magazines.

Cheese: the Happy Food!

A survey of both amateur and professional portrait photographers indicates that people (and other primates) who say “cheese” tend to smile more.

And finally…

Trigger and Flicka, Now Available on Open Table!

Last year, the USDA approved horse meat for human consumption. It’s true. You can look it up. It first has to be exported as a “commodity” and then imported back into the States as “food”, but, hey, name one fast food chain that doesn’t pull off those kinds of shenanigans already. The culinary possibilities of this breakthrough are positively mouth-watering: Start the day with seabiscuits and gravy, for lunch enjoy a hearty filly cheesesteak sandwich (or keep it light with a quarter horse quarter pounder), then for dinner choose between the festive Tex-Mex chili with pinto beans and chunks of real pintos, or the more elegant stallion medallions with scallions, all washed down, of course, with a draught of Colt 45, and finished off with a nice slice of National Velvet Cake.

© 2017 Ron Dulaney