On Saturday, January 28, 2017, President Trump made his first phone call to Russian President Putin from the Oval Office. To date, the White House has released no details of this call, which lasted approximately thirty minutes and was witnessed by several key Trump advisors and Shadow President Bannon. Fortunately, our crack investigative reporter, armed with state-of-the-art communications gear in the back of a plumbing & heating van parked just off Pennsylvania Avenue, intercepted the first several minutes of this historic conversation before she was shooed away by Secret Service agents to clear room for a burrito truck.
NOTE: The following conversation is NOT the first between Trump and Putin since the election. A partial transcript of a secret call to the Kremlin placed by President-elect Trump in early December 2016 can be accessed on this blog at Going Commando.
Voice on Phone: Hello.
Trump: Vlad, is that you?
Putin: Orange Donnie, of course is me. How is favorite tub of lard?
Trump: You sound different somehow.
Putin: Is because am having sex with multiple partners one-third my age and rate of respiration is ever so slightly, how you say, off the graph. No doubt you understand this.
Trump: If this is a bad time…
Putin: Is never bad time for you, Orange Donnie, plus having recently climaxed ninth time can spare five minutes for rejuvenation and perhaps glass of tea.
Trump: Uh huh…
Putin: Bolshoi is in town and I am enjoying a great many private audiences with select members of company. You have been with ballerinas, yes?
Trump: Absolutely. Ballerinas, spokesmodels.…
Putin: Yet you choose to remain fat as pig. Wealth and power alone do not bestow stamina.
Trump: Uh —
Putin: My people tell me you are not hitting gym as I suggested.
Trump: Maybe after we get Scalia replaced —
Putin: They also tell me you have put on twelve pounds since election. Is true?
Trump: Whatever your people say, Vlad. Can I —
Putin: You must stay healthy, Orange Donnie, as I have no taste for your Pence.
Trump: My what?
Putin: Your Mike Pence.
Trump: Sorry, I thought you said —
Putin: I need you in White House, Donnie, not white-haired monkey-boy.
Trump: I’ll try having more salads. I think Mickey Dee’s has a chicken Caesar. Speaking of which, have you seen The Founder with Michael Keaton? Great, great movie. Even though it’s about that McDonald’s guy, everybody’s saying it’s really about me.
Putin: Yes, have seen. And you are right. Is difficult to discern which backstabbing capitalist scumbag is inherently more untalented and pompous.
Trump: Excuse me?
Putin: You have picked well, by the way, your cabinet.
Trump: I’m told they’re the best people. The very, very best.
Putin: That is because perspective of those who advise you is warped by ideology and desperation. The losers you have settled for are like housewife with mustache at Amway convention, who, when lounge closes at Ramada Inn, is only woman left at bar.
Trump: Isn’t that a little harsh?
Putin: Except for Tillerson, who is great drinking buddy, most of your picks are not competent to tie shoes, and those who are will serve only to deepen divisiveness you have created. Like I said, you have picked well. Especially from viewpoint of my country. Will help make Russia great again. For my re-election I plan to put slogan on hats.
Trump: You mean like —
Putin: Orange Donnie, is reason you called?
Trump: Actually, yes. I was wondering what you thought about my travel ban yesterday.
Putin: Was brilliant. Perfect tactic to guarantee escalation of worldwide terror and profound and irreversible hatred for your country.
Trump: You sound like Nancy Pelosi.
Putin: Am just kidding, of course. Ha ha. Your ban is best idea since tampering photos to make look like more than assorted family and friends at your inauguration.
Trump: Thanks Vlad, coming from you, that means a lot.
Putin: May I make suggestion to put additional lead in flaccid pencil. Put Bannon on Security Council. Everyone knows is real president anyway, and will make liberals who fear and despise you lose even more sleep and throw ineffectual shit fits.
Trump: I would never have thought of that, Vlad. Fantastic idea. Really fantastic.
Putin: These acts alone will solidify your place in history as best president. And just think, is only second week in office. You have many remaining opportunities to persuade American people to repeal twenty-second amendment and replace overrated presidents on your Mount Rushmore. Oh, and I am emailing photo of us taken last year at Club Med.
© 2017 Ron Dulaney