Be It Resolved…

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New Year’s is still a couple of weeks off, which gives us plenty of time to plan how we’re going to improve our lives in 2017. There are a million “top ten” lists of resolutions out there but they’re mostly full of crappy advice you wouldn’t foist on your worst enemy’s second favorite pet eel. Here’s mine:

1. Stop watching live TV. This means no news, no sports, and no award shows. The rationale here is simple. News is depressing (and mostly fake), sports are stupid, and award shows are depressing, mostly fake, AND stupid. This also means no weather broadcasts, but it turns out most people get by just fine with that temperature readout thingie in their car.

2. Avoid going on a diet. Especially if you’re fat. Going on a diet is a surefire way to put on weight. Duh. Not to mention, diets make you cranky and cause you to miss out on Cherry Garcia and cheeseburgers. You could croak from a heart attack any day, so why not enjoy life before that happens.

3. (Corollary to Number 2) Avoid exercise. The advantages of this are too obvious to mention.

4. This year, only binge on TV shows that start with an “H.” You can start out with Hawaii Five-O, then move on to Hello, Larry, and eventually Hung. In 2018, you can pick a different letter out of a hat, and so forth for each successive year. There are two good reasons for doing this: (1) it narrows down your choices so you’re less likely to garrote your spouse while trying to figure out what to watch, and (2) assuming you can persuade other people to follow suit you’ll have something to talk about when you run into them at Starbucks.

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5. (Corollary to Number 4) Consume more coffee. They say coffee in moderation increases your life expectancy. If that’s true just think what drinking coffee in excess will do. Living to a ripe old age is just a matter of putting a hundred bucks or so on your Starbuck’s card every couple of weeks.

6. Wash your hands after playing with small children. Like dogs, cats, and certain rodents, small children are prone to serious lapses of hygiene and are known to transmit infectious diseases. If you are required to handle small children frequently, you may wish to invest in rubber gloves and a heavy-duty hand sanitizer like Purell or DHC Body Cleansing Sheets.

7. Put up a hummingbird feeder. Unlike regular so-called “birdwatching,” which requires expensive binoculars, confusing reference materials, and exercise (mind Number 3 above), staring at hummingbirds all day is immensely satisfying as they are easily identified, can be viewed from a recliner in your house, and are sufficiently small that their poop is dispersed into the atmosphere before it can ruin your porch.

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8. Don’t drink alone. Drinking alone means having to buy your own hooch. If you drink with others, there’s a chance someone else will pay for and maybe even upgrade the quality of your booze. Why settle for box wine, when you can invite over someone who might spring for a screw top.

9. Fart more. It’s common knowledge that holding back farts contributes to a multitude of gastrointestinal disorders. Less well known are the mental health benefits of what aficionados call “pressure farting,” including enhanced self-esteem and mindfulness. Moreover, anonymous farting in crowded areas (with its associated “mystery” component) can increase enjoyment of otherwise mundane activities, such as attending church and riding elevators.

10. (Corollary to Number 9) Attend church regularly. Especially if lactose intolerant.

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© 2016 Ron Dulaney

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