Just days ago, our crack investigative reporter, armed with state-of-the-art communications gear in the back of a plumbing & heating van parked just off Fifth Avenue, intercepted the following conversation between Trump Tower and the Kremlin.
Voice on Phone: Hello.
Trump: May I please speak with President Putin?
Voice: This is Putin.
Trump: Vlad, Hi. It’s Donald.
Putin: Orange Donnie! Is good to hear voice. Congratulations on your winning.
Trump: You know I owe it all to you.
Putin: Yes, is true, but your campaign was good. Election like in Russia. Lose by many millions of votes, yet emerge victor. Shows them who is boss.
Trump: Coming from you, Vlad, that means a lot.
Putin: You the man, Orange Donnie.
Trump: No, no, Vlad, you’re the man.
Putin: Is true.
Trump: So, this thing with ISIS—
Putin: I read on Google your favorite meal is Filet-O-Fish from McDonalds. Is true?
Trump: Well, uh, yeah, I’m not sure if it’s my very, very favorite, but—
Putin: Me, seafood-wise, am fan of lobster. From your Boston. So you plan move to D.C. or to run world from dacha in Palm Beach?
Trump: Uh. D.C. At least till I get settled. Melania’s staying in New York with Barron until June.
Putin: This baron. Is wife’s lover?
Trump: Our son, he’s ten.
Putin: Most of my women, they also are young. My girlfriend of record, Alina, she is thirty-one. As you say, over the hillside. I put up with only because she was gymnast. You have been with gymnast, yes?
Trump: Yes. Many, many times.
Putin: Then you know I am right, yes?
Trump: Yes. Very, very right. Vlad, I was wondering—
Putin: Like you, Orange Donnie, I have grabbed a great many pussies. Strength, however, comes not from denial but from boasting of such conquests. To be real leader is to remove shirt and expose manly chest to universe. Only then will you be seen as truly powerful.
Trump: Uh, well—
Putin: Better yet to take off pants. Let your constituents know what you are working with. Make them cower with respect.
Trump: Well, uh…
Putin: They say your hands are small. Is true?
Trump: Well, er, not that small…
Putin: In Russia is said, man with small hands wields package of bohemoth.
Putin: If truly your hands are small you must know this.
Trump: Well, uh…
Putin: You will do as you have promised to dismantle NATO, no?
Trump: Excuse me?
Putin: And allow us to rearm Ukraine with nukes and strengthen alliances with Assad and Hassan Rouhani?
Putin: And forestall exploration of arctic oil, so as to allow price of crude to rebound to levels of 2008.
Trump: But I told—
Putin: You perform these acts of friendship, we will ensure your tax returns and records of “profitable dealings” with my countrymen do no fall into hands of Wikileaks.
Trump: You’ve got my tax returns?
Putin: Yes Orange Donnie. Think back last fifty years. Whatever it was you did, whom you did it with, or whom you did it to, we have documents to prove. This includes splendid selection of “home” videos.
Putin: Once you take office we will tell you when to take off shirt.
Trump: But, Vlad, I’m in miserable shape.
Putin: Then perhaps time to lay off Filet-O-Fish and hit gym.
© 2016 Ron Dulaney