Staff Infections

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For two weeks now The Donald and his minions have been locked away on the twenty-sixth floor of the New York White House to hammer out who will run the country the next four years. While pundits continue to bandy about the names of potential cabinet appointees, our crack investigative reporter, on undercover assignment, has unearthed the president-elect’s REAL first choices. They appear below, along with his candid comments on each:

Secretary of State: DENNIS RODMAN

“What can I tell you, for years the man led the NBA in kicking ass. Can you imagine Assad or Merkel getting the best of this guy? Plus he single-handedly opened up diplomatic relations with North Korea. Major achievement. Putin loves him.”

Secretary of the Treasury: SCROOGE McDUCK

“A monetary genius. Big fan of gold. Big. When the market crashes—and with Bannon twenty feet away from the Oval Office believe me it will—we’ll all be wishing we had a basement full of gold like Scrooge.”

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Secretary of Defense: DENNIS RODMAN

“So show me a law that says a person can’t run two departments at once. In addition to leading the NBA in kicking ass, he led it in rebounding and every other defensive category. The man’s a human wolverine and will not rest until every ISIS crotch has been kneed into oblivion.”

Attorney General: RUDY GIULIANI

“Dracula would be my first choice, but my people tell me he’s not available for a 9 to 5 gig. Rudy runs a close second: the looks, the temperament, the nasty fangs hiding out behind those caps. My people tell also me he turns into a bat now and then, just for the hell of it.”

Secretary of the Interior (and the Exterior): MARTHA STEWART

“Would put her in charge of fixing up the White House to where it’s livable. Total disaster now. Bad feng shui. All that “Americana” art on the walls. Nauseating. Also looking to put in a nine-hole golf course on the South Lawn. I hear she’s thick with Tiger. Major, major plus.”

Secretary of Agriculture: HUGH GRANT

“No, not the Four Weddings and a Funeral guy, although Melania’s seen that Limey piece of crap like thirty times. I’m talking about the one who’s the CEO of Monsanto. Great American company. Doing fantastic things with crops. Fantastic.”

Secretary of Commerce: RON POPEIL

“Nobody’s better at commerce than Ron, nobody. The man can sell anything. Melania goes through Veg-O-Matics like they’re going out of style. And she’s never once a broken a nail. Never. I personally love the Pocket Fisherman. Big fan.”ron%20popeil%20-%20salesman%20of%20the%20century%5b3%5d

Secretary of Health and Human Services: DR. EVIL

“Peed my shorts on Trump Force One watching The Spy Who Shagged Me after a campaign stop in Topeka. Who’s that Canadian that plays him, Mike something? We’ll hire him and that Mini-Wheat midget and they can suit up for cabinet meetings. Very funny bit.”

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: DONALD TRUMP, JR.

“This is what my family does. We’ve had tremendous success. Tremendous. Especially with the blacks. I’d appoint myself, but then the New York Times would go all “conflict of interest” on me. Anyway, Donnie should do a decent job. If not, there’s always Tiffany.”

Secretary of Transportation: SULLY SULLENBERGER

“Can you imagine having this amazing hero with us in the Cabinet Room. Almost like having the actual Tom Hanks, except older and probably a lot less funny. We tried to get Hanks but he declined. Kellyanne said he actually flipped her off. Very, very funny guy.”

Secretary of Energy: RYAN LOCHTE

“Who has more energy than an Olympic swimmer, right? (Ha ha.) Not to mention he’s pretty much got nothing better to do the next four years. (Ha ha.) When we start mining coal again we’ll need somebody who’s able to concoct a line of bullshit right on the spot about how clean it is. Talk about your perfect skill set.”

Secretary of Labor: SARAH PALIN

“Has five important qualifications for this position: Bristol, Willow, Track, Trig, and Piper, none of them remotely adopted. Also, she’s big on overturning Roe v. Wade, which means before you know it the USA could be back to having more labor than ever.”

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Secretary of Education: JIMMY CARTER

Although he was a lame president, he’s pretty smart and basically harmless. If I appoint him the Dems will love me for it and maybe stop bitching so much about Flynn and Bannon. Plus I hear he teaches a mean Sunday School.”

Secretary of Veteran’s Affairs: COLIN POWELL

“Classy guy. Would be fantastic at this. Knows the military like the back of his hand. Army, Navy, National Guard, all the branches. Even though he went soft and endorsed Hillary, I’m guessing some of his best friends are vets – just like with me and the blacks.”

Secretary of Homeland Security: WILLARD SCOTT

“A world class weatherman, cornball, and huckster. Trusted and respected by hundred-year-olds everywhere. If anyone can get people’s minds off ISIS and back on hurricanes and tornados and floods and sinkholes where they belong, I’m betting it’s him.”

Administrator of the EPA: ROSIE O’DONNELL

“A total loser, magnificent loser. She will be such a disaster, it’ll mean a big win-win for me: she’ll bring the agency down in flames and the captains of industry will thank me by continuing to hole-up with fashion models and porn stars at my resorts.”

First Supreme Court Nominee: JUDGE JUDY

“A brilliant legal scholar and a strict constructionist if there ever was one. Speaks her mind and takes no prisoners. All those lowlifes over the years bickering over broken toasters and she never once took a bribe. Awesome integrity. Awesome.”

"I'll join your cabinet for... five HUNDRED dollars."
“I’ll join your cabinet for… five HUNDRED dollars.”

© 2016 Ron Dulaney

8 comments

  1. Love the new format. I think you should be Trump’s speech writer moving forward… I’m sure he’d happily share your thoughts/words with the masses!

    Like

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