Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe…

Clump

With less than three weeks to go before the election, we sent our crack investigative reporter to a critical swing state to track down one of the undisputed lynchpins of our democracy — AN UNDECIDED VOTER. A transcript of our reporter’s interview with 37-year-old Eve Nye of Cincinnati, Ohio, follows in its entirety:

CIR: You’ve identified yourself as an undecided voter —

NYE: Uncommitted.

CIR: Sorry, uncommitted voter. Do you have a political affiliation?

NYE: Republican.

CIR: And have you always been a Republican?

NYE: Only since accepting Jesus as my personal savior.

CIR: And when was that?

NYE: When I married Darryl.

CIR: So before that you were a Democrat?

NYE: Presbyterian.

CIR: Okay, being a Republican, is there a reason you haven’t committed to your party’s candidate?

NYE: His hair.

CIR: His hair?

NYE: It’s not presidential.

CIR: So you’re considering voting for Secretary Clinton because of Mr. Trump’s hair?

NYE: That, plus I don’t think she’s near as crooked as they crack her up to be.

CIR: Would you care to elaborate?

NYE: Well, first off, I heard she once clocked Bill with a skillet.

CIR: Uh huh.

NYE: And that whole email fiasco. I don’t know about you but I must get fifty emails a day, and I’m no Secretary of State. The way they pile up, Jeez Louise… anybody could lose track.

CIR: So, what is it about Secretary Clinton that keeps you from giving her your full support?

NYE: Her hair.

CIR: Her hair?

NYE: Definitely not presidential… more like a Mexican trainwreck.

CIR: So hair would seem to be a major criterion affecting your choice.

NYE: Yeah, I s’pose… now you mention it.

CIR: With the clock ticking down, what would either candidate need to do at this point to win your vote?

NYE: Well, Trump’s hair ain’t goin’ nowhere, I can tell you that… (Laughter)

CIR: Does that mean —

NYE: With Hillary’s, on the other hand, you never know what you’re gettin’… which can be downright scary.

CIR: Changing the subject from hair for a sec, what was your reaction to the allegations pertaining to Mr. Trump’s sexual misconduct?

NYE: I gotta say, I do agree with him about that one gal.

CIR: Excuse me?

NYE: She wouldna been my first choice neither. Did you get a load of her…

CIR: Let me guess… hair?

NYE: Bingo.

CIR: But what about the flood of accusations… especially in light of the “Access Hollywood” tape? Has that influenced your opinion of Mr. Trump?

NYE: They say Hillary’s a lez.

CIR: Huh?

NYE: Ever since Monica. It was in the papers. Not that there’s anything wrong with, y’know, bein’ whatever. For example, I’ve got this nephew, lives in Akron —

CIR: Wait a minute, you’re saying you believe Hillary Clinton is a lesbian?

NYE: I’m surprised you didn’t see it? It made the headlines.

CIR: Any chance you recall where you —

NYE: Yeah, exactly; I was in the middle of checking out at Albertson’s.

CIR: (Clears throat) Okay, so let’s look at some of the policy positions dividing the two candidates. Immigration, for example. What do you think about Mr. Trump’s proposal to build a wall along our border with Mexico?

NYE: Duh… excuse me… tunnels… I’m sorry.

CIR: Interesting point.

NYE: I’m just sayin’.

CIR: Do you accept Secretary Clinton’s position that undocumented immigrants should be permitted a path to citizenship?

NYE: Tell you the truth, I don’t pay a heckuva lot of attention to that kinda stuff… y’know, jobs and ISIS and whatnot.

CIR: So —

NYE: Could I get you somethin’, a beer maybe?

CIR: No thanks. So… is it safe to assume you have no particular stance on any of the substantive issues affecting this election?

NYE: Just the one.

CIR: And what’s that?

NYE: His hands do kinda give me the creeps… excuse me…

(Whereupon the interview ended abruptly when the interviewee received a text from the local community theater informing her that her husband had fallen off the stage during a rehearsal of Cats.)

Ms. Nye is a Board Certified Haircolorist and volunteer teacher’s aid at a public middle school in Turpin Hills, a suburb just outside Cincinnati.

 

Trump-Hillary-Currency

© 2016 Ron Dulaney

10 comments

  1. Ron, in American English we say “You’re pulling my leg.” Weird expression. But did you know in Spanish the idiomatic match is “Estás tomando mi pelo?” Finally we have a use for that expression since it too is all about the hair- and humor!

    Like

  2. Great, Ron — couldn’t stop laughing except that it’s scary — Gee I better look closely at my hairdo — who’d a thunk it?????

    Like

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