With less than three weeks to go before the election, we sent our crack investigative reporter to a critical swing state to track down one of the undisputed lynchpins of our democracy — AN UNDECIDED VOTER. A transcript of our reporter’s interview with 37-year-old Eve Nye of Cincinnati, Ohio, follows in its entirety:
CIR: You’ve identified yourself as an undecided voter —
CIR: Sorry, uncommitted voter. Do you have a political affiliation?
CIR: And have you always been a Republican?
NYE: Only since accepting Jesus as my personal savior.
CIR: And when was that?
NYE: When I married Darryl.
CIR: So before that you were a Democrat?
CIR: Okay, being a Republican, is there a reason you haven’t committed to your party’s candidate?
NYE: His hair.
CIR: His hair?
NYE: It’s not presidential.
CIR: So you’re considering voting for Secretary Clinton because of Mr. Trump’s hair?
NYE: That, plus I don’t think she’s near as crooked as they crack her up to be.
CIR: Would you care to elaborate?
NYE: Well, first off, I heard she once clocked Bill with a skillet.
CIR: Uh huh.
NYE: And that whole email fiasco. I don’t know about you but I must get fifty emails a day, and I’m no Secretary of State. The way they pile up, Jeez Louise… anybody could lose track.
CIR: So, what is it about Secretary Clinton that keeps you from giving her your full support?
NYE: Her hair.
CIR: Her hair?
NYE: Definitely not presidential… more like a Mexican trainwreck.
CIR: So hair would seem to be a major criterion affecting your choice.
NYE: Yeah, I s’pose… now you mention it.
CIR: With the clock ticking down, what would either candidate need to do at this point to win your vote?
NYE: Well, Trump’s hair ain’t goin’ nowhere, I can tell you that… (Laughter)
CIR: Does that mean —
NYE: With Hillary’s, on the other hand, you never know what you’re gettin’… which can be downright scary.
CIR: Changing the subject from hair for a sec, what was your reaction to the allegations pertaining to Mr. Trump’s sexual misconduct?
NYE: I gotta say, I do agree with him about that one gal.
CIR: Excuse me?
NYE: She wouldna been my first choice neither. Did you get a load of her…
CIR: Let me guess… hair?
CIR: But what about the flood of accusations… especially in light of the “Access Hollywood” tape? Has that influenced your opinion of Mr. Trump?
NYE: They say Hillary’s a lez.
NYE: Ever since Monica. It was in the papers. Not that there’s anything wrong with, y’know, bein’ whatever. For example, I’ve got this nephew, lives in Akron —
CIR: Wait a minute, you’re saying you believe Hillary Clinton is a lesbian?
NYE: I’m surprised you didn’t see it? It made the headlines.
CIR: Any chance you recall where you —
NYE: Yeah, exactly; I was in the middle of checking out at Albertson’s.
CIR: (Clears throat) Okay, so let’s look at some of the policy positions dividing the two candidates. Immigration, for example. What do you think about Mr. Trump’s proposal to build a wall along our border with Mexico?
NYE: Duh… excuse me… tunnels… I’m sorry.
CIR: Interesting point.
NYE: I’m just sayin’.
CIR: Do you accept Secretary Clinton’s position that undocumented immigrants should be permitted a path to citizenship?
NYE: Tell you the truth, I don’t pay a heckuva lot of attention to that kinda stuff… y’know, jobs and ISIS and whatnot.
CIR: So —
NYE: Could I get you somethin’, a beer maybe?
CIR: No thanks. So… is it safe to assume you have no particular stance on any of the substantive issues affecting this election?
NYE: Just the one.
CIR: And what’s that?
NYE: His hands do kinda give me the creeps… excuse me…
(Whereupon the interview ended abruptly when the interviewee received a text from the local community theater informing her that her husband had fallen off the stage during a rehearsal of Cats.)
Ms. Nye is a Board Certified Haircolorist and volunteer teacher’s aid at a public middle school in Turpin Hills, a suburb just outside Cincinnati.
© 2016 Ron Dulaney