Suffrage of Fools

I’m surprised and downright disappointed by how few celebrities go into politics. Sure, there’s Ronald Reagan and Sonny Bono and Clint Eastwood, and, oh yeah, that bozo who fires people on TV, but why not more?

Imagine a major address on tax reform delivered by Christopher Walken, or a filibuster on immigration actually spearheaded by Britney Spears. Admit it. Don’t you feel a little cheated by how few denizens of Us Weekly have stood for office?

Not to mention, it’s a natural career progression.

First off, to get elected to anything, you need to be good looking. Most celebrities, even writers, are nothing if not good looking. It comes with the territory.

Next, you must be able to connect with people and say what they want to hear. This is second nature to celebrities, especially movie stars. What could be better preparation for politics than spending hours each day reciting lines someone else wrote that have no bearing whatsoever on your own privileged life.

Finally, everyone knows the most essential qualification for launching a political career is an ego the size of Mercury masking a ball of insecurities the size of Mars. Consider, for a moment, the disproportionate number of Freudian analysts and plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills. I rest my case.

The quintessential celebrity/politician is, of course, Arnold Schwarzenegger: an incredible hulking ego in a size 48 suit, ruggedly handsome, and uniquely adept at portraying characters with no discernible connection to reality.

From his first clean and jerk back in Austria, Arnold has epitomized the versatile power celebrity. Just consider the roles he’s played: Mr. Universe, Conan the Barbarian, the Governator… and, starting Monday, January 2, 2017 at 8/7c on NBC’s rebooted Celebrity Apprentice, a bozo who fires people on TV.

Jerry Brown may be a better governor, but he hasn’t afforded his constituents nearly as much rub-your-hands-together and snicker jubilation as his predecessor.

We need more folks like Arnold in positions of power and influence, and sooner rather than later. Life’s too darn short. So contact your favorite celebrity today and persuade him or her to run for office.

Isn’t it about time C-SPAN broke out the popcorn?

I’ve assembled a list of a dozen red-blooded American icons, each eminently qualified given the bar set by this year’s Republican nominee, whom I believe would kick the next presidential race up a notch. Please vote for the candidate you think would add the most pizzazz to the body politic. Once you’ve chosen, make sure to hit the vote button.

If you have your own favorite candidate, please feel free to leave a comment.

© 2016 Ron Dulaney